I remember the deep talks, the genuine connections, and the seasons of genuine happiness. I think that’s the hardest part about life and relationships. We connect with people and things that often become just a memory. I hate goodbyes and I’ve never been good at them. I hate goodbyes because I hate losing.

I lost friends I would have given my last for over small misunderstandings and some big miscommunications. I watched these people I had parted ways with seemingly moving on with ease, while I struggled to manage the loss long after it had occurred. I would replay situations and battle with regret about what I could have done differently. I put my all into everything tied to me, and to be without it left a feeling of emptiness, uncertainty, and defeat. It was like once people saw the negative in me, I was no longer worth it to them. I felt misunderstood and like I wasn’t allowed to be human outside of the good things I was doing. I hate goodbyes because I never say them first.

Doing more was an effort to avoid conflict, encourage control and gain confidence in my relationships. The impermanence of life and the temporary highs of relationship cycling were nothing but comforting. Not knowing what’s next is unsettling, not having a constant is lonely.  I said a lot of goodbyes in the last few years and it challenged everything I thought I knew about growth and healing. Saying goodbye to the relationship, the job, the unhealthy habits, and the one-sided friendships left me alone with myself. I hate goodbyes because walking away with nothing after giving everything is draining.

To the people who called me out on my passive aggressiveness, thank you for teaching me the importance of better communication. To the people who called me out on being controlling, thank you for teaching me the importance of letting things flow. To the people who called me out on my selfish need for reassurance, thank you for teaching me the importance of self-love. To the people who supported me along my journey, you taught me the true measure of unconditional love.

As your circle decreases sometimes your clarity increases. As things change, sometimes better opportunities arise and you realize how much living in fear limits you. I still hate goodbyes, but I know that sometimes the loss is really the gain. Goodbye year 28, and hello year 29 may you be filled with divine enlightenment, positive change, and the ability to see goodbyes as revolving doors and not closed ones.