While making projects out of people, I was avoiding the real project of loving myself. What seemed like a selfless act was in reality very much selfish. The benefit of doing for others was the feeling I got in return. I didn’t feel happy unless someone else was making me that way, and how much I liked a person was very much so based on how much I felt they liked me.

As a person who genuinely considered myself kind and always willing to go above and beyond for others. I found it quite infuriating and insulting when someone would call me selfish when I felt I was being selfless. But all of my relationships had one thing in common. They at one point made me feel on top of the world. They adored me and showered me with gifts and always wanted to be around me to the point I think I confused this temporary validation for love. I was not concerned with if I liked a person, I was more concerned with if they liked me. Dating people I had to heal, fix or help in some way was in fact a reflection of my selfish need to feel in control. I was a people pleaser and I enjoyed helping others, but In return I expected them to praise me in some way and be dependent on me. I expected them to give me what I couldn’t give myself.